Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
My ass is underappreciated
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
