...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
