we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
she told me i tasted like america
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
