I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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