so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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