WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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