Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize