I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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