Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
