i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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