So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
