if you like me you must not know who I am
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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