I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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