some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
