I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
