If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize