Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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