I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize