I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
