I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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