it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
