And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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