Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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