you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
