im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize