im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Still dying that you shit outside
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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