I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
