you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
