o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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