I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
