My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
