I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
