I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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