Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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