Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
