So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
