I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
