I'm gonna have a badass scar
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize