My cat gives me a boner
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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