I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
