Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
