Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
