i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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