you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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