Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize