Will you blow on my dice?
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
