I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
