I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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