You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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