since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
