You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
