I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i already hear my dad disowning me
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
