I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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