seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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