cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
