OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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