Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
