I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
