I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
