You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
A bitchslap is in order.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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