i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize